Bad Memories
The only thoughts that keep circling around in my head tonight are of my worst memories, the ones of hurt and betrayal. One in particular keeps rearing its ugly head and bringing with a rush of emotion. I'm hoping if I put it down, it will go away. Even if just for a little while.
When I was 15, I was friends with a couple of girls, R & J. R had a great relationship with her father that I always envied as my relationship with my Dad, well, if I didn't actively hate him for his drinking then I was at least apathetic to his existence. The other girl, J, also had what seemed like a friendly relationship with R's father. The three of them would watch sports together. If J showed up at the house and R was busy, J would watch tv and chat with the dad. I really wanted a relationship with a father figure so I thought I'd try to be interested in sports or whatever and talk with the dad. One day, I called the house only to be told that R & J and R's mother had gone to another city the day before but were due back that evening. I was disappointed I had forgotten this (and that I hadn't been invited but that's another story of bad memories) but the father suggested I come up to the house and watch tv with him while waiting for them. Here was my chance to develop a relationship with a father figure! I said yes and headed up the street to where R lived. I got to the house and all the lights were off and the father was sitting in the living room watching tv. The light of the tv was the only light. I sat down in the big armchair while he sat on the sofa, drinking beer and smoking. The show on tv was MacGyver. As we watched the show, I made a couple of comments and noticed him occassionally looking at me. I honestly felt weird being alone in the dark house with him but he was my friend's dad. I think the show was just about over when R's dad made some comment while slipping off the sofa, on his knees he came towards where I sat in the chair, touched my leg and said "You are really turning me on."
I froze. I sat in the chair unable to move or speak. I guess he reconsidered his action because he pushed the remote control into my hands and said, "Here, just watch tv. Okay? Forget what I said. Just watch TV." I think another episode of MacGyver started but I didn't see it. I just sat there. After about 20 minutes I stood up and said, "I think I should go home now." I managed to get my shoes on and out of the house before I started crying uncontrolably. I was too afraid to go home crying because what would I say if someone asked why I was crying? Instead, I wandered to a nearby park and sat on a bench and cried myself out. I then went home and slipped in the door and up the stairs to my room without talking to anyone.
For years and years I never told anyone about this. I never wanted to think about it but it would surface sometimes. My shock, fear, hurt and utter disappointment of that time would come back. I know I'm lucky that a good scare is all I got. But I was still so utterly hurt. I just wanted a dad who cared about me.
Posted by Marmy on September 28, 2006 01:57 AM
Comments
Oddly, crazily...Last week I told Cap and a friend about a similar experience I had with a older friend's father when I was 15. I told my boyfriend at the time and tried to tell the friend, but she didnt care (we weren't friends for much longer).
The father invited us for Thanksgiving dinner. The friend and I and our boyfriends. My guy couldn't make it. The friend didn't bother showing up. Awkward. So, there I was. He offered wine, served dinner, got sloshed, showed me some 'art' b&w photographs of barely clad women. Told me it wasn't pornography, I should pose for him...
Yeah. I left. It was very strange, wanting to tell him how out of line he was, but thinking that an adult should know better. It sucked.
Posted by: Joan at September 28, 2006 03:56 PM