Difficulties
It is really hard to keep a positive attitude when you are being treated for severe clinical depression, have seasonal affective disorder due to the winter months and are unemployed, thus lonely and bored. This past year has been utter shit and has been pushing down on me with the weight of the entire earth. So many things have happened that honestly, as a depressed individual, I really, really didn't need to have to deal with. When I think of the hours I have spent crying in my psychiatrist's office, how many of her kleenex I have used, I feel nauseous.
From around Christmas to mid-January, it was completely bleak and horrible. I seriously wanted to die to stop the mental pain. But I know, for me, death isn't an answer and if I just waited long enough, things would get a bit better. Things would be easier if I had a strong support network of friends and family but all I have is TBIT. I know I exhaust him. He's my only connection to the world and I cling to him like the lifeline he is. He's been there for me in so many ways. I know all this but when I am in my worst pain, I can't express to him how thankful I am for him even bothering to try, knowing I will push him away or rebuff what he tries to tell me.
I think in order to get better, I need things to be a bit stable for a little while so I can feel that I have my feet under me. Have my sea legs, if you will. Instead, this entire year has been me trying to get my feet under me, only to have something happen that sweeps them out from under me, like some rogue wave. The betrayal and disappointments I experienced this past year that I normally would shrug off, cling to me like wet clothes; weighing me down and making it harder to get back up. Backlash from others for me feeling pain about it is another rogue wave that fills my lungs with salt water, burning and stinging me and threatening to drown me entirely.
I know that life is full of ups and downs but usually, a person has things to lean on for support. People have all kinds of crutches in their lives, other people - friends & family, their job or negative things like drugs or alcohol. As I've said, I only have TBIT so I'm not being held up straight, but am leaning dangerously. And sometimes, TBIT is dealing with his own problems so he can't even offer me his full support. I'm off balance and it is really easy to topple over from what seem to be simple little things. I can't really call my psychiatrist a crutch or support as it is her job to teach me how not to need as much support as I need right now.
I think I present the image of a person who is to a degree, detached; not a clingy, touchy-feely, in-your-face social type. That would be because I'm actually very shy. It is hard for me to present myself to strangers and even to show all of myself to friends. I keep a thick glass wall up around me that keeps them at a bit of a distance because I have been so horribly hurt by the actions of others in the past. I say glass wall because even though it keeps a bit of distance between myself and others, my true self can still be seen, if one bothers to look. If I let you past the wall, I will be the same person. I can't hide who I am. I don't have that ability to deceive. I meet people who I think are interesting and fun but they aren't interested in being friends with me. They can't be bothered to get to know me better, to bother trying to get close. The worse are those I let past my wall who then brush me off. If I confront them on this, they get angry and say everyone has their own problems and don't want to deal with the problems of others. They think friends are casual and disposable and don't feel the need for the same depth of friendship I want/need. So I end up alone a lot.
The truly truly sad and ironic part of all this is I have hope, the nastiest thing to come out of Pandora's box. Every day I try to find the reason I got out of bed: either a tiny bit of information that brightens my day for even just a second or sharing with someone something that brightens their day even the tiniest bit. I really and truly hope for the best in every situation and in every person even when logic, instinct and "being realistic" tells me otherwise.
Maybe if I could learn not to care like others I see around me, I would be happier. But that's not who I am. I am someone who feels and cares deeply. I don't know if I can, want, should want to change that. Maybe that's why I get so deeply hurt and depressed and feel alone.
Posted by Marmy on February 9, 2007 11:28 AM
Comments
Your friends are out there..we think about you all the time, and wish there was more we could do.
Posted by: uber at February 9, 2007 01:19 PM
ANd we wish every day we all lived in the same city.
Posted by: MichaEL Joyal at February 9, 2007 07:53 PM
afternoon coffee. before the end of the month. me and you, babycakes.
Posted by: joe at February 10, 2007 04:03 PM