Tired and Empty
I've had a sore throat for 4 days now. It hurts to talk and even to just swallow. Every spring I go through having a series of sore throats until the heat settles in at mid-summer. I once went to a doctor about it and was told: "Virus. Antibiotics won't work on it. Take 1 Tylenol and 1 Advil - 1 for pain, 1 for inflammation. " I was told this in a voice that said "you are wasting my time." Now I'm at a point where I have to consider myself near death or in such pain that I want to die before visiting a doctor.
When I am under stress, I develop a series of minor, annoying ailments: headaches, stomach pains, digestion troubles, back aches, joint pain, colds, sore throats etc. When nothing is done about the stress, I start getting migraines (along with the usual monthly hormone migraines) and headaches that last a week. I'm still feeling stressed - even being off work for a year now hasn't made all the stress in my life go away. It just made the "I want to die, kill me now" work related stress go away. Now that there is currently nothing in my life, I find myself fixated on how I am feeling. I'm becoming a hypochondriac. Every pain is new and terrible. Anything to break up the monotony of my days.
My days are monotonous. If I get up in the morning with TBIT, exercise, have a bit to eat, and do some housework; that takes about 4 hours. I then have the rest of the day to fill. Long, long hours stretching ahead of me until TBIT comes home. So I find myself sleeping later and later. Less hours to fill until he gets home, but then everything becomes a mad scramble to get things done. Hating to feel the pressure of that, I neglect things: like exercising, like housework. I'm aware I'm doing this yet have this deep apathy I can't budge. What's the point? The same thing is just going to happen tomorrow. I am completely aware of the opportunities I have wasted. I could have really studied up on my Japanese lessons. I could have lost over 25 lbs by now. I could have this apartment magazine cover worthy. I could have done a lot of things. I didn't.
That's the problem with depression. It is cyclic. Some days I feel I am going to change and do things right. Some days I'm lucky to get out of bed. Most days, I just go through the motions, counting the hours until I can have TBIT to curl up against and keep the world at bay. I know this is hard for him. I am putting all my considerable weight on him when I see he has his own problems. He's had to pick up the slack I've dropped. I've never been this weak before. I've always done the "suck it up and get it done." Well, look where that landed me. Visits to a shrink and daily anti-depressant meds.
I'm tired of myself. I want to go away and re-invent myself. I want to forget the past 10 years ever happened. I want to be the person I was before it was all ground away by the daily grind. I want my soul back and my optimism. I want to fit into the jean I used to fit into. I want to discover new, better elements of my personality. I want to excise myself of this lump I've become. Trouble is, right here and now, I know I can't. I'm stuck by finances and my own mentality. The same reasons I was stuck at my job, wishing desperately for a way out.
I need something or someone to get me out of my current state and to help me move on. I can't do it by myself. Sure my shrink offers advice but I've not ridden myself of enough apathy to really follow it. I try, I backslide, I end up crying in her office due to my own self loathing. I need a miracle. Or a mentor. Or a huge lottery winning. Or a benefactor. Or Divine intervention. Something or someone to shake me and wake me up and hold my hand as I try to learn to live again.
Yeah, yeah. Self indulgent post. This is my internal monologue: a never ending circle or spiral of half-assed attempts and defeats poisoning my brain and soul. But like all poisons, better out than in.
Posted by Marmy on March 29, 2007 01:10 PM
Comments
when i win the big lotto (last week's $5 plus a free ticket was lovely but i'd like a few more zeros after the five please)i shall be the benefactor you need. i've always planned that when i win the big one i'm gonna help the close friends. i imagine it being like, "oh Fred, i've just paid off your student loans. Jane, here's the mortgage paid on your house. Patrick and Willomena, here's your down payment on that condo you've been eyeing". i'd not want to just give everybody X amount of cash, but more tailor the gift to the person. plus, i'd bring everybody on a big all-inclusive beach vacation. that's if i won the great big multi million plus prize. if i just win the $500,000 prize it's mostly for me but i'd always buy the drinks when we go out.
call my weekly $5 ticket wasteful if you will but i get more than $5 worth of pleasure dreaming of how i'd spend the cash.
Posted by: joe at March 29, 2007 04:24 PM
I find posts like this helpful to me. I don't feel so alone in my extreme loathing and it does feel better for the writer to get it out. I hate the cyclic aspects of my depression. I can go from pumping out 4 drawings plus a 4 page comic in one week to sitting on the couch staring into space not wanting to bother living the next. And this soul crushing job (new manager is a cunt) isn't helping. I wish I could be there to help you.
All I can do is write.
Posted by: MichaEL Joyal at March 30, 2007 11:26 PM