I hate this feeling. I feel restless and anxious and like I've misplaced something but don't know what. I keep picking up books, trying to read then putting them down. I keep flicking channels on the tv but not watching anything. I've been searching the internet, surfing from page to page but I don't know what I am searching for. I would go to sleep but I know I will toss and turn and keep TBIT awake.
I've had this feeling many times and I always try to think what it is I'm missing: something physical? something mental? something spiritual?
The last couple of days, I've been wanting to read a few of books that have been on my mind, only to find they are missing. I know for certain I lent one to a person who never returned it and moved to Vancouver but where the other 2 are, I have no idea. One of the missing books is the first book in a trilogy. I have the other 2 books next to each other on the shelf but can not find the first. It makes me want to take every book off the shelves and either put them back alphabetically or by series or by topic.
Usually when I'm anxious like this, I like to bake. It occupies my mind and hands and works me through the stress but when it is late at night I can't. If I had my own house and the bedroom was on a separate floor, I could rattle pots and pans but I live in an apartment building. If I didn't awake the neighbours, I'd at least wake TBIT.
Sitting alone at night with just a cat for company makes me feel very alone and very small. The night sky I see out the window is endless, the horizons so far away. There is so much I want to do but feel I will never have the chance. There are so many thing I actually need right now that it is a struggle to get by. Sitting alone at night when I'm in this state, I feel the world and my responsibilities weighing me down when I should be drifting along in sleep. I try to have faith and want to believe in something bigger than myself but when I'm in this mood - when I would most like to feel part of something - I feel most alone.
Posted by Marmy on June 6, 2007 01:03 AM
wake me up next time; the very least i can do is fall asleep on the sofa while you try to read some GLA. not so alone babe...
Posted by: tbit at June 6, 2007 10:52 AM